Bug-eating is being promoted a lot recently. You can blame vegans and others who want to rid the world of cattle. These people figure that horrid carnivores (most people) have become stupefied by their meat diet and can be turned into bug-eaters (entomophagists) via mass media propaganda.
I contacted my friend Martin Higgins, a top man in the field of being horrified by bug eating, to look into how people can determine whether or not they are bug-munchers by nature.
Using years of deep research into the politics of bug-eating, we developed a quick 10 question quiz that will serve two important purposes. First, it will determine if you are a natural insectivore, and second, it will reveal your political affiliation.
For example, if your answers trend toward A's, then you are an Independent. B’s suggest that you are Republican, C’s suggest Democrat. Those whose answers are D’s are potential bug-eaters and would call themselves “progressives.”
Warning, this test is not designed for children, unless completed under supervision.
The Higgins-Dvorak Condensed Political Inventory Analysis and Bug-Eating Index
You buy your kid a soft-serve cone at the beach. Several horseflies land on the creamy swirl. What do you do?
A – Throw it out and order another.
B – Complain to the vendor demanding a free replacement.
C – Complain about the lack of warning signs about the flies.
D – See it as cool tasty sprinkles while hoping for more flies.
At a California cuisine bistro in Berkeley, a ladybug lands on your date’s bare shoulder. What do you do?
A – You brush it away.
B – You alert your partner. Let them deal with it.
C – You get the ladybug to walk into your palm so you can put it in the bushes.
D – You feign a shoulder kiss while sucking up the appetizer.
At a Texas barbecue, your picked-over bones draw meat bees. You decide to:
A – Toss the bones in the garbage can and close the lid.
B – Grab a flyswatter and rack up a few kills for sport.
C – Watch them, marveling at the improbable miracle of bee flight.
D – Revisit the bones, suck up a few slow bees, and ignore the stings.
Your fishing trip fails due to inept casting and MP3 player blaring hip-hop. What do you do?
A – Chalk it up as a bucolic rest cure.
B – Blame bad fish husbandry and environmentalists ruining the pond.
C – Tell everyone that global warming is killing all the fish. We must act now before it is too late!
D – Deciding it’s better for the environment (and the fish) if you ate the bucket of worms you used for bait.
Toasting a bride and groom, you notice a gnat in your Prosecco. With discretion you:
A – Switch your glass with another on the buffet table.
B – Pour the liquid in a potted plant and ask for a “freshen up.”
C – Tilt the liquid so the gnat floats to safety at the top of the glass and sip.
D – Drink it all, hoping the gnat protein will transform you into Gnatman.
At Le Fouquet’s, you spy a cricket floating face-up in your soup of the day. What do you do?
A – Bring the cricket to the attention of the staff, ask for the check, and leave.
B – Complain, leave, and write a terse negative review on Yelp.
C – Remove the cricket with a napkin, hide it and tell no one, so you will not hurt anyone’s feelings.
D – Ask for more cricket garnish.
A famous Fast Food burger joint replaces their “pink slime” patties with ground millipede paste. Your response:
A – Never go to that place again.
B – Bitch to the health department.
C – Praise the company for getting rid of pink slime.
D – Buy gift cards for everyone.
You notice several small dishes filled with dried insects set out as bar food at a trendy neighborhood bar. What do you do?
A – Toss back your drink and leave.
B – Shove the bowl away and say that this is not free speech.
C – Pick through a dish to determine if there is equal winged and crawler diversity.
D – Munch a handful and say, “Keep them coming, barkeep!”
Your kid requests an insect breakfast to follow a school assignment. What do you do?
A – Look for a local private school.
B – Start home schooling immediately.
C – You think it’s great and might even try it because it’s the right side of history.
D – Push for serving crickets in the cafeteria.
Awaiting a high-speed train at Japan’s Shinjuku Station, you notice a “Bug Snack” vending machine. Your response:
A – Take a photo and post it on Instagram.
B – Ignore it and chalk it up to creeping socialism.
C – Buy some to virtue signal to your friends that you care about the planet.
D – You think to yourself, “When in Rome...” and you buy a bunch of bags and eat them with glee.
Now you know where you stand in politics and as an entomophagist. – jcd